Rock of Ages

Rock of Ages was a movie that I think a lot of people wanted to forget, even before it came out. I just remember when the film came out I saw one trailer for it and I thought it looked decent. I had heard of the musical, I love a lot of the music being used in the musical, it seems like a fun enough ride. And then this movie was totally forgotten, not only by me, but the rest of the world. Whenever people talk of movie musicals, this one never comes up... and now I understand why.

Before I get to that though, look at this trailer and tell me it doesn't look at least a little bit fun.

What I got instead was something that I can't even pull a comprehensive plot out of.

And before you ask, no, I haven't seen the musical. I don't know how closely the movie is to the musical, I probably won't be referencing the musical at all because I can't really give a proper thought on that.

The movie begins with a small town girl going to Hollywood to make it big. She meets the city boy and they fall in love... and yes, this is the plot to Journey's "Don't Stop Believin".

Now that's not unheard of, we live in a world where a movie can be made out of an amusement park ride, (Pirates of the Carribean) why can't a movie be made out of a famous rock song?

Unfortunately, these are probably the most generic, white bread characters ever put on screen. They have names, but I like to call them Generic Cardboard cutout guy and Generic Cardboard Cutout girl.

Basically, they're both trying to make it in Hollywood without really doing anything. All the while they and people around them are singing covers of famous rock songs from the 80s. And its actually kind of a fun cast outside of those two. You've got Alec Baldwin as the owner of a popular night club that hosts rock concerts, you've got Russell Brand as his partner. You've got Catherine Zeta Jones as the wife of the Mayor of Los Angeles, played by Bryan Cranston, who wants to clean up the streets of the evil that is Rock and Roll.

And then of course the reason a lot of people saw this movie, and the reason I became interested, is Tom Cruise as a Rock Star named Stacee Jaxx.

That's actually really funny. This was in 2012, just in the beginning of Tom Cruise's return to action films and suddenly he does this really strange role in a movie musical. That's hilarious! And its fun because it shows Cruise hopefully isn't taking himself too seriously. He's willing to have fun and do a silly movie like this... at least that's what I hope. I hope he's not in financial trouble and this was just a paycheck... because if that's the case that's just sad.

But regardless, its fun to have these movies that take an actor who we've never sing before and show him sing. The best example I can think of with this is Johnny Depp as Sweeney Todd. While I don't think he was very good, it was kind of fun to see him do something different and the same thing is here with Tom Cruise. When I first heard Cruise sing, I thought it was fake. But no, he did all his own singing and he's not really that bad at all.

I don't want him to drop his film career and make a musical career, but I think it was fun for this show.

So that was the big selling point I guess, getting Tom Cruise to sing and you've basically got gold right?

Well... No.

Not everybody else was as surprising. Paul Giamatti, Malin Ackerman, and my god Alec Baldwin. Never give Alec Baldwin a musical number again. He was worst than Russell Crowe in Les Mis.

But the worst part of the film is that it doesn't have a story. Now I know there have been a lot of musicals based on the music of popular artists over the years. Some kind of work like Mamma Mia, some really work like Moulon Rouge and some really, really don't work. Rock of Ages is one of those shows.

Instead of the music accompanying the story, the story is drawn out of the songs. Its almost like the times where they're talking is just them riffing until one of their sentences sounds like a 80s rock song.

Here's an example, Generic Cutout guy is talking to Generic Cutout girl and says that he wants to be a rockstar, its all from hearing songs on the jukebox... and then he starts singing Jukebox Hero.

Or when there's a protest outside of the club, Catherine Zeta Jones says, We don't like this filth of Rock'n Roll and We're not gonna take it anymore, and then Russell Brand comes on and says that the city is built on Rock and Roll.

And I wish it was that subtle. They literally say, "We're Not Gonna Take It" and "We Built This City on Rock'n Roll"

The best attempt at a story is that Catherine Zeta Jones is trying to clean up the streets by protesting at Stacee Jaxx concerts and looking at the financial records of Alec Baldwin's club. She never does anything about the financial records, she just talks about them.

Instead they focus on the dumb romance between generic cutout guy and generic cutout girl. A romance that is so forced, begins as quickly as it ends and its all based on one thing the guy sees and then jumps to a conclusion. Its a dumb romantic movie cliche that you know how its going to resolve itself so why do we care?

The one thing I will say in this movie's defense, is the music is actually kind of fun. Now that's more the work of the artists and the musical itself, but its kind of fun to see Tom Cruise sing Wanted Dead or Alive, or have Catherine Zeta Jones sing Hit Me With Your Best Shot. I will admit that all the music has been stuck in my head all day.

While any hardcore rock enthusiast is probably going to say these performances are Gleeifying Rock classics... and while they are, I like covers of songs if they're done in a fun way. Is it dumb that they sing "Anyway You Want It" in a strip club? Yeah, its kind of dumb. But the way its performed is actually kind of fun.

Are all the songs well performed? Oh god no. I think they probably do a worst version of "Don't Stop Believin" than Glee did. But I would probably listen to the sound track a couple times. Its a fun enough sound track, that is probably the one good thing about the film.

The unfortunate thing is that the songs are poorly cut that they're not really utilized to their full potential.

Here's an example, I mentioned it before but a mash up of We're Not Gonna Take it and We Built This City, that's a really fun mashup. And its really good in the movie... for about thirty seconds.

And the unfortunate part is that they really only use the chorus and one verse from We Built this City and the chorus from We're Not Gonna Take It. Maybe its just

Another thing I'll say that is kind of small but still pretty bad is the choreography. Its hard to choreograph dance numbers to rock songs... and they don't really succeed in this. Watch Catherine Zeta Jones in Hit Me With Your Best Shot and you'll know what I mean... or Jones in anything.

The fact of the matter is, I'm pretty sure Tom Cruise was some kind of sedatives while he was "acting" and then when he was singing its like they put him on some kind of stimulant. While he's probably the best part of the film, I think its only because its so weird seeing Tom Cruise in a role like this. Overall, the film had some fun music but it was poorly cut together. Everything else is just an incoherent mess trying to get as many classic rock songs squeezed in there even if they don't make sense. I wish they could have made a cohesive story for Rock of Ages but hopefully it will get rebooted ten years from now. Until then, we can just forget this movie happened and relish in the fact that the songs in it are classics regardless of whether or not its Tom Cruise or Guns and Roses singing.

I think the movie could have been a little better if it had been taken a little bit more seriously. I know its a comedy and its kind of hard to take things seriously, especially if Tom Cruise is dressed like that. But if everybody is phoning it in and don't care, why should I?

But those are my thoughts on Rock of Ages. What did you think? Comment and Discuss below! Also shoot me a tweet @cmhaugen24 on Twitter and follow me to get more updates on movie reviews and news rants.

I'll leave you with this. This is without a doubt, the worst song in the show. Not only is it Alec Baldwin singing, not only is it Russell Brand trying too hard to make me laugh and failing miserably, not only is it the most unconvincing gay couple I've seen ever on screen, but it just destroys a really, really good song. I'm not saying they shouldn't have made characters gay, but if you're going to do it, don't make it look like this is an SNL sketch. Here's "I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore"with Alec Baldwin and Russell Brand. Enjoy!