Jupiter Ascending

I'm a pretty big Science Fiction guy, I love original stuff, I love new worlds to explore, and I also have enjoyed a lot of the work the Wachowskis have done. I've done two reviews on Cloud Atlas, I love the first Matrix, I find the sequels entertaining, I love V For Vendetta. There's a lot of work that they have done that I've really, REALLY enjoyed.

I have also criticized the Wachowskis on trying to be preachers instead of story tellers. I've praised their work on V for Vendetta and the first Matrix because they were good movies with good action and yeah they had a point to them but they didn't beat you over the head with their philosophy like their other films do.

But I've done enough posts on that, let's talk about the great big pile of... something that is Jupiter Ascending.

Jupiter Ascending is really kind of incredible. On one hand, I do have to give the Wachowskis some credit. They really do create this visually stunning world, filled with a lot of characters, creatures, and a rich sci fi yet fantasy-like environment that I think I was drawn to when I first saw the trailers for this movie.

But then they turn it around and make you really want to get away from this world, this world that should be really creative and fun, but instead is incredibly boring and annoying.

The movie focuses on the story of Jupiter Jones (played by Mila Kunis). Now I wouldn't think that was a stupid name so much if Jupiter Jones was an interesting character. I think a lot of heroes had stupid names but they get away with it because they're such likable characters. Jupiter Jones is a boring as hell character.

And here's the thing. I like Mila Kunis. Sure her filmography isn't exactly the greatest thing to brag about but she's been in some good movies and I think she's given some good performances. And the truth is, I don't think its totally her fault. Like I said, the character of Jupiter Jones is boring as hell.

The problem is, you can kind of tell that Kunis is just as bored as we are.

And don't expect her to get any better as the movie goes on. She goes from boring to damsel in distress, to boring, to damsel in distress again. For a movie that is named after her, you'd think that she would actually be a strong female character, but no. She just gets thrown from one bad guy to the next, doesn't do anything, and waits to be rescued by Channing Tatum.

Anyways, Jupiter is a very attractive girl from Earth who inexplicably has the shittiest job in the world. She works with her family to clean houses. I'm not saying its a bad choice of a profession, but I just don't buy Mila Kunis doing it.

But anyway, Jupiter of course dreams for something more... until aliens come...

Really generic looking aliens...

But along with them come a slew of bounty hunters and other aliens trying to kill Jupiter. And instead of being a strong hero or doing anything for herself, Jupiter has to wait, get captured, and wait until Channing Tatum comes in to save her.

Now, to give the movie as much credit as I can stretch, Channing Tatum and Sean Bean are probably the best parts of this movie. Only because they're kind of space police... or something like that and its the inkling of some creativity in their backstories and who they are that make me kind of interested. Like I hate to say it, but if you weren't going to make a good original movie about a strong female protagonist, could you at least made a generic alright movie about Channing Tatum and Sean Bean, the spliced space cops who are half wolf (in Tatum's case) and half bee (in Bean's case)? It that too much to ask.

But no, Tatum is Caine Wise. Again, a half man half wolf who is a disgraced space cop. There's an actual term for it but since this movie decided to piss away all its creativity, I'm not giving it any credit there.

He's hired to rescue Jupiter and from the other galactic bounty hunters.

And that was the kind of interesting part.

And then these bozos come in. These are the three siblings of the Abrasax siblings. These three are members of a family who I guess are royalty... or galactic business moguls... or something. They apparently are the heirs to a number of systems in our galaxy, including Earth.

Now, there's a lot of bullshit that goes into explaining this storyline, but the short story is, their mother owned Earth. Unfortunately for them, their mother wrote herself into her own will and none of them have possession of Earth. Now why do they want Earth you ask? Well again, that gets into really confusing and convoluted shit, but basically they want to harvest humans who live on different systems and Earth is almost ripe for Harvest.

And get this, the reason they want Jupiter, is because they believe that Jupiter is their mother reincarnated...

God dammit Wachowskis.

Now listen, if it were any other director, this would have actually been an interesting idea. I would have actually been on board for this plot line and thought that it was actually kind of creative. However, since its the Wachowskis, I just roll my eyes and watch them hash up the same god damn thing they keep on trying to has up. And here's the thing, they've only delved into reincarnation once, maybe twice (I haven't seen all their movies), but since its so prevalent and something they're so gungho about, I'm going to give them shit. 

So yeah, I rolled my eyes when I heard the bit about her being the reincarnated version of their mother. 

But that's not even the stupidest part about these three. 

The lengths that these three go to get their inheritance is just kind of odd. And the process of Jupiter

taking her title as Queen of the Universe (I'm not even joking about that, that's really what it is) is just bureaucratic and dumb... for absolutely no reason.

And it just doesn't fit with the theme and atmosphere of this movie. They spend the first part of this movie shooting, fighting, and trying to kill Jupiter and then the middle half is bureaucratic bullshit.

The best comparison I heard was comparing this movie to Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.

You've got Star Wars, the space opera, the fantasy in space, this brilliant original wonder, and what do they do in the first prequel? Tax disputes...

Same with this movie, you've got this rich, robust, creative world, full of aliens, and half men half wolves, and bee men, and lazers and all this cool shit, and then you have... inheritance politics... and bureaucracy...

Now listen, I don't have a problem with trying to create a world that has some realism to it. I actually like that Star Wars introduced the Senate, and the government of the Old Republic. What I didn't like was how long they spent in the Senate talking about trade disputes. And the same goes for this movie.

If you've got this huge budget and these beautiful effects, and this seemingly original idea, and you want to create a new world, akin to that of Star Wars... why would you follow in the footsteps of one of the worst Star Wars movies out there?

For the record, I actually really love Phantom Menace, not because I think its an especially good movie, but because its Star Wars. Jupiter Ascending doesn't get that pass. You have to build a rich world and a narrative around the pretty colors and visuals, and build trust before you're able to get away with something like that, and for a lot of people, Phantom Menace didn't even get away with that.

But anyways, like I said, the reason this movie doesn't get any passes is because its just boring. Jupiter and Caine are boring characters. We're suppose to root for them, like them as characters, and suddenly when they apparently fall in love, you're suppose to get invested with this romance... and its just not possible.

Then you've got the siblings who are overly convoluted and boring due to their inheritance politics and bullshit like that.

But if there's one thing this movie gave us, its this. It gave us doubt in Eddie Redmayne's ability as an actor.

Like I said, this movie is really incredible.

Three months earlier, we got Redmayne in a phenomenal performance as Stephen Hawking in The Theory of Everything. Redmayne is powerful in that movie, he's moving. Furthermore, Redmayne has shown that he's talented. Regardless of what you thought of Les Mis, he's shown that he can sing, and I actually thought his acting was good too.

And then this movie comes out and we all kind of question whether or not that Oscar that he won for Best Actor should have actually gone to him.

The best part about it is, Redmayne's character in Jupiter Ascending is played off as the main antagonist of the film. He dresses in black, he's the most evil looking of all the siblings... and yet he's barely in the movie. And when he finally does his bad guy thing, he does the exact same plan his siblings did before. He's not even a good villain. Some movies are bad but at least the bad guy is entertaining. Redmayne is just boring. He could put you to sleep if he didn't randomly yell... for absolutely no reason. Its just this great combination of whispering and yelling that is hilarious.

Now, I think this performance will not hurt Redmayne one bit and he's actually gonna be the star of the new Harry Potter spin off which I'm actually looking forward to, but it doesn't disguise the fact that this performance is really... really awful. I don't pay attention to the Razzies at all, but I can say without a doubt, they'll do something about Redmayne's performance with this movie.

The fact of the matter is, Jupiter Ascending is just a bad film through and through. There's really not that much that is redeemable about this movie. Its pretty obvious what went wrong and what could have been done to make it better.

The characters are boring, especially the main one. The environment is pretty but not explained in any way that is interesting or gets me invested in the story. The plot is overly complicated and convoluted, and the performances are really kind of abysmal. And its a bummer because I feel like the Wachowskis had something here. I don't know if it was something really good, but it could have been something better.

Personally, I think they fall into the same trap that they fell into with the Matrix sequels and that is getting bogged down with their hit you over the head message. The big message in this one is consumerism. Its bad. But its just lazy how they do it. They sacrifice story for this hit you over the head message and the pay off is really nothing.

There's really not much more I can say about Jupiter Ascending. Its just bad. What do you think? Comment and Discuss below! You can also send me your thoughts on this movie and others on my Twitter @cmhaugen24. There you can send me your thoughts and send me requests for films I should review in the future. You should follow me to get updates on future movie news and reviews.

I'll leave you with this. The honest trailer pretty much gives away the plot... but that's okay. Enjoy!