Machete Kills

You ever had one of those movies that you don't think too much of right after, but then you realize how stupid it was the more you think about it. Machete Kills is that exact movie. I just finished it and it almost hurts to think about. I don't usually say that I wasted time watching a movie... but I wasted time watching Machete Kills.

Before you say it, I know this movie isn't meant to be taken seriously. I mean its a movie where a woman has mini guns firing from her tits... how serious can you get with that?

Speaking of which, how often do you get to say you got to see Sofia Vergara and Alexa Vega (that chick from Spy Kids) dressed as gun totting prostitutes. That was the one part I was very happy about when it came to this movie.

But Machete Kills follows the story of Machete, a secret agent or something who is hired by the President to kill a leader of a drug cartel. The Drug leader has a bomb aimed at Washington DC and there's only one man who can disarm it. Its Machete's job to find a way to defuse the bomb, kill the bad guys, and save the world. I have to give the movie credit. For simplifying plots, they do a good job.

This movie however just reminds me of a really well made home video.

Its like Robert Rodriguez got all his celebrity friends together and said, "Guys! My mom just bought me all this cool shit, let's make an awesome action movie with it!" But instead of writing something actually good, this is something a horny teenager would write.

"And then Machete totally killed like 5 guys. And his handler/ Miss Texas (played by Amber Heard) was like, 'C'mon Machete, do me!'"

Its a little bit of an exaggeration but its not far off.

It is kind of funny the persona Danny Trejo has built for himself and its kind of funny to put him as the main protagonist but after the first 30 minutes, I was sick of Danny Trejo. Its a good joke for about 5 minutes.

Now I've never seen any of the Grindhouse movies or basically anything that Robert Rodriguez has done, besides Spy Kids. I understand there's probably a certain style he's going for and some people may like it, but for me, its just annoying. I've read more into it and its a genre of film that's called exploitation films, films that just exploit popular trends like sex, blood, gore, violence, all that good stuff that we as humans, in the primitive parts of our minds enjoy for some reason.

I don't know if you've ever seen this trailer before.

Its basically making FDR Machete. Now when I first saw this trailer, I thought it was hilarious. It just looks like a stupid movie made just for shits and giggles, and I'm starting to realize that is the point of Machete. Its not suppose to be taken seriously, its not suppose to make a whole lot of sense, its just an exploitation film.

That being said, still gave me a headache.

Some things I did like from the film were the different cameos and huge all-star cast they had for this movie.

Amber Heard... dear lord. I just watched Paranoia before this movie and Amber Heard is just down right stunning. I'd need to see her in more to really say if she's a good actress or not... but Dear god is she gorgeous.

It was her and Alexa Vega that I was like... dear... god if anything can save this movie it is those two.

The other casting that I really liked was Carlos Estevez (or Charlie Sheen) as the President of the United States.

Its probably just for this film, but I would love to see Charlie Sheen kind of reinvent himself with his the name Carlos Estevez.

I like many people have sat back and been just down right entertained by the path Sheen has decided to walk and strangely enough, this movie works really well for him.

The name change is great for marketing, its great for public recognition. Again, its probably not going to stick but it'd be fun to see Sheen's acting career pick up again under the name of Carlos Estevez, I feel like that would just be funny.

The last casting I have to mention was Mel Gibson as the overall villain of the film.

Mel Gibson is a lot like Alec Baldwin. Yes, they're both assholes in real life with the things they have said and the things they have done to the people surrounding them.

But even though they've done bad things doesn't deny the fact that they are talented people.

Put aside all the anti-semitic comments, and his hair from Braveheart, Mel Gibson is a good actor. And you can tell with this movie, he just had fun with it.

Similarly to Sheen, its good to see Gibson in something new. Would I like to see them both in something a little less brainless, yes. I did enjoy seeing them in the film however.

But that brings up another problem with the film. For me personally, the exploitation humor is only so funny for so long. So the movie started banking on throwing in as many cameos and as many star actors in as possible.

Was it goofy that Lady Gaga showed up? Yes. Was the gag of her character always changing faces funny the first time, sure. Was it funny the fourth time, not really.

Sure, seeing a bunch of celebrities in an exploitation film is kind of funny but its not enough to get me through this nearly 2 hour movie.

I remember looking at the time of the movie about half way and I felt as though I had watched an entire movie, and then it just started to drag. Like I said before, the exploitation humor only gets so funny for so long. After that it just gives me a headache and makes me say I hated this film.

I didn't really have much of an interest to see this movie but I thought I'd give it a shot as other Robert Rodriguez movies have done alright. This was a bad one to start on.

That's my review of Machete Kills. I need to start reviewing some good movies, I have not had very good luck in June. I have one more Netflix reject to do then I'll get into the movies I've been saving up on my list.

But what did you think of Machete Kills? Are you a fan of the Mexpolitation films or are you like me and they just give you a headache? Comment and discuss below.

I'll leave you with this. I couldn't really find anything that worked super well for this review so here's a Danny Trejo tribute. Enjoy!